Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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