if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
