update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
