I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have post one night stand depression
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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