No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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