he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
