new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
MIDGETS
????
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
