I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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