No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It's like God shit irony all over that family
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
