I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it's like heaven, but drunker
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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