I looked at my own cervix.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
