Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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