help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
