a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
