I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
