U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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