the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
