is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
