he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
