I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
