It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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