Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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