Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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