i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
