Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
