If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
