we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The struggles of a small town man whore
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
