Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
