Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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