yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
