even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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