what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
