i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
