Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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