I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
