She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
