Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
