There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
