I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
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Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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