Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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