Kiss
Puke
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
