So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
