Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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