I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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