fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
