I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
sarcasm needs its own font
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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