i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
