Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
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