Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
