Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
