i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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