I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
