Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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