hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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