you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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