I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
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my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
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I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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